Smile Please :)

A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.


A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky.
The Englishman was glad to have a drink."Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink."
The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman. "Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."


"Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said.
"Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?".



When I was young I didn't like going to weddings.
My grandmother would tell me, "You're next"However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals



A man is talking to God.
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."


Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."The man replies,
"And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

To Dear Wife... :)

Position of a Husband Is just like a Split AC
No matter however Loud he is in the Outdoor
He is designed to remain Silent indoor...
*
"Husband is one who is the head of the family,
but his wife is the neck, and whichever way she turns, he goes."
*
A man in Hell asked Devil:
Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked how much to pay.
Devil : Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.
*
Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
Wife: No darling, it means - With Idiot For Ever
*
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper, So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper, So I could have a new one every day.
*
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you
*
Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are..
Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.
*
Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?
Husband: A lovely Push...!

Stupid & Funny Conversations in Courtrooms :)

Stupid & Funny Conversations in Courtrooms

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
 

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kiddin’ me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess!!!.

___________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

Police officers - Best of humor

* "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."


* "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."


* "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."


* "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"


* "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."


* "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."


* "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."


* "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."


* "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

It's all abut Marriage :)

David Bissonette :

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
***********

Sacha Guitry :

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin;

they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

***********

Socrates :

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.

If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

***********

Anonymous :

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

***********

Dumas :

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"

***********

Sigmund Freud :

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

***********

Anonymous :

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

***********

Sam Kinison :

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.

It's called marriage.'

***********

James Holt McGavra :

'I've had bad luck with both my wives.. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

***********

Patrick Murra :

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

***********

Nash :

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

***********

Anonymous :

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

***********

Henny Youngman :

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

***********

Rodney Dangerfield :

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

***********

Anonymous :

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'.

Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

***********

Anonymous :

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'

Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
***********

Too much funny :)

A must watch video :)

Magic Beer !!

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

“Magic Beer”, he says.

She thinks he’s a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, “That isn’t really Magic Beer, is it?”

“Yes, I’ll show you.” He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.

The lady can’t believe it: “I bet you can’t do that again.” He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, “Give her one of what I’m having.” She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, “You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk.” !!